Workouts For The Practising Gentleman

Imagine my horror a couple of weeks ago when I discovered that a colleague, whom I’d thought to be a regular, peace loving, solid sort of chap, was actually one of these whadjacallems. Not only has he been found to be the possessor of a home gym and an online trainer, he deliberately performs Squid Squats, Lobster Lunges and other crustacean contortions on his balcony every morning. Why a contented corporate creature would want to subject himself to such tortures, I cannot say – but I must admit, he’s not the only one.

A few months ago I had witnessed an old and beloved friend openly purchasing a pair of spandex shorts – for himself. Not because his waistline was expanding and he was trying to accommodate it; but because they would keep the bicycle seat from chafing his thighs during long rides, he explained! I was aghast. I mean, the man is a CXO-type dude in one of the fashionable MNCs, and has a number of D-segment sedans and an SUV to gad about in. I felt gutted; but what can you do – the man had become a MAMIL (Middle Aged Man In Lycra, in case you aren’t up to speed with your abbreviations).

There’s nothing wrong with exercising, of course. Fitness first, I’ve always said. A brisk morning walk from one end of a treadmill to the other will do wonders for your constitution. The trouble is that too many people take things to extremes – like plugging the treadmill into an electrical socket and actually switching it on. This kind of rash adventurism has become rampant in modern society. What the world desperately needs today is a set of sensible workout protocols. For this purpose, I’ve been engaged in developmental work with a group of experts, and I’m happy to say we’ve been able to come up with some.

You will, no doubt, be familiar with the Weighted Elbow Flex^©- the crepuscular workout that took the exercising world by storm when we first introduced it to the public. For the uninitiated, here’s a précis of how it goes: You start in the sitting down position and slowly flex your elbow till your hand reaches your chin. Once you’ve mastered the basic movement, you add the weight – a glass tumbler filled with a nourishing beverage. On each rep, you reduce the weight marginally by sipping the liquid. Once the tumbler is empty, you refill and repeat using the other hand. And when you’ve done a couple of sets, you keel over backwards and drop to the floor.

It was, in fact, the wild popularity of the Weighted Elbow Flex^© that encouraged us into further research. And that’s how we developed the Reverse Push-Up^©. You’d’ve been to parties where a bunch of bemuscled boys are boasting about doing the one-armed push-up or the five-finger push-up or perhaps even the flipping jackass push-up. Just saunter up to them, ask if any of them have ever managed to do a Reverse Push-Up^©, and watch their jaws hit the floor. The thing is, not many people know how a Reverse Push-Up^© is done. In all the best exercise regimens, technique is everything; and so it is with the Reverse Push-Up^© too. You must never forget that a Reverse Push-Up^© is the exact opposite of a regular one. So you start by lying down on your back, not your front. Your hands should be alongside your shoulders, palms upwards. Now, slowly but steadily, you exert the biceps, triceps and forceps and raise your hands perpendicularly upwards. Once your arms are absolutely straight, lower your hands back to your shoulders. And repeat.

With practice, you’ll find that the Reverse Push-Up^© is actually not difficult to master. Depending on your fitness levels, you may want to try an advanced variation – the Single-Finger Reverse Push-Up^©. This is done pretty much like the Reverse Push-Up^©; the difference is that in this case you extend the fore-fingers of both hands upwards, so that when your arms are fully extended your fore-fingers are pointing towards the ceiling. This is an advanced technique and you must be very careful when doing it. For instance, you must never do the Single-Finger Reverse Push-Up^© while standing up, or people will think you are dancing the bhangra.

This brings us to our next advanced exercise – the Gravity Squat^©. This is an exercise you can do in most social situations, and is particularly effective in crowded gatherings. For best results you should perform a Gravity Squat^© fairly early in the proceedings. The way to do it is this: with a drink in one hand and a small bowl of salted cashew nuts in the other, approach a well-padded armchair. Then, with your back towards the armchair, move backwards till your calves are almost in contact with it. Now, bend your knees and simultaneously relax the thigh muscles so that gravity propels you into its cushioned embrace. Yes, I know that’s a complex set of actions – but then, this is an advanced technique. And it’s not done yet. You now have to hold the position for as long as you can. If your drink finishes, signal to a waiter. If the cashew nuts get over, grab a satay. Whatever you do, hold the Gravity Squat^© posture or you may end up in the sub-optimal Standing Upright position for the rest of the evening.

The last exercise I’m going to share with you today is perhaps also the most evolved. It’s called Unassisted Planking^©. Of course, we all know what regular planking is. And we know it’s for namby-pambies because it lets you use your arms to support your body. Well, in Unassisted Planking^©, your arms don’t come into play at all. You do an Unassisted Plank^© by lying down on a soft mattress with your arms by your sides. And then, like in regular planking, you hold the position for as long as you can. Advanced exercisers know that there are actually two versions of Unassisted Planking^©- in Dorsal Unassisted Planking^©, you lie on your front so that your dorsal side is uppermost; Ventral Unassisted Planking^© is just the opposite (i.e., you lie on your back). Both are excellent workouts, and highly recommended.

You’d’ve noticed that in developing all these exercises, practicality has been kept foremost. No complicated equipment or attire – not even a prescribed time of day (except for the basic Weighted Elbow Flex^©, which should only be done after sundown). And moderation is important too. In fact, it’s not the number of reps that determine the benefit quotient (except, again, the basic Weighted Elbow Flex^©, which requires between 3 and 7 sets depending on the nature and quality of the fluid in the tumbler), but the equanimity with which you do these exercises.

Our team of experts has developed many more such workouts, but five is a good number to be starting out with – and in the spirit of moderation, we shall let it rest at this for now. Take it easy.